This week I had my first week back to school.
I am a wreck.
Tuesday we began school, and I was okay. I worked hard at school, had a nice hard run after work by bringing the kids to the gym, went home, prepared for the next day and went to bed.
Wednesday was harder. I gave myself some room and didn't do a morning run. Bad idea. Running after work is impossible. I have no time and no energy--no wiggle room at all. After work I made lunches, packed bags, tried to clean, tried to spend quality time with all three kids at the same time (impossible), planned my lessons, corrected papers, did laundry, ate something and tried to be a kind wife by conversing pleasantly with my husband. Then I fell into bed.
On Thursday I went swimming before work, nearly fell asleep while teaching, had an after school meeting that ran over the time I had allotted it, squeezed in a 20 minute run, arrived sweating and gross to retrieve the kids, and then tried to prepare for the next day, spend time with the kids, and correct papers all at the same time. Andy got home and asked if I'd picked up health papers from the pediatrician I said I would pick up. I hadn't. He got mad. I cried. Also, it was Jordan's first day of school on Thursday and because it was my third day of school, I couldn't see her off. In fact, I can never see her off. That's the rub with working. Anyway, she went to school with her dress on backwards and no socks. She lost the pictures of her we had placed in her folder (as was asked in the teacher's opening letter to Jordan), but she (Jordan) lost them somehow between the hallway and the classroom and "was the only kids who couldn't share."
When she told me this I locked myself in my room and cried. I simply and completely lost it.
And that was only Thursday. Bad Mommy feelings choked me as I wept. Is it selfish to work? Would things have been different if I had been home in the morning instead of drinking coffee in my classroom frantically preparing for the day at 7 am?
Today I skipped the morning run, scrambled to be a good mom and pick up both Noah and Jordan after school like the other moms, then made brownies with the kids and went outside with them so they could ride bikes, came in, cleaned the bathroom that Noah had peed all over, changed the sheets that Noah peed in last night, unpacked the dirty lunch boxes, made dinner, gave baths.... on and on and on. No running. I've run 9 miles this week.
Oh. My. God.
I'm in trouble.
I may not survive this year. Will I adjust? Is it like training and I am just out of shape? Or is doing it all a TOTAL AND COMPLETE MYTH.
The latter, I think.