that almost nothing is what it seems?
I pride myself on being supremely insightful. I first realized I had the gift of grasping the inner nature of things at at an extraordinarily deep level in high school. (Yes, I am being facetious.) Really, though--since then I have honed my insight to the point of near-mastery. I get people, I get how systems and organizations work, and I believe when it comes to these things, I am never wrong.
Except that lately I seem to be wrong all the time, which is more than a little disconcerting.
How could I have lost my noesis--seemingly overnight?
The only explanation I can think of is that I actually never had it--or I have it and yet it betrays me.
I don't mean to be cryptic. It's just that lately people--relationships--organizations who I thought I understood keenly, aren't as they've appeared. I idealize someone else's marriage, and then discover the couple is divorcing. I judge someone as righteous or arrogant, only to discover they are generous and humble, or conversely, someone appears to be self-deprecating and weak, and I discover she actually doesn't take shit and has the will of an ox. I think I get the inner nuances of the mommy neighborhood dynamics, only to find I'm way off and I'm not on the outside as much as I thought--or another mommy who I have viewed as central in neighborhood hoopla actually is on the outside, too. Even my husband and kids seem to be different than I have understood. My son seems charming and funny, yet it turns out he is a hellion/class clown at school. My daughter, who seems to be such a confident performer, is terribly shy once I leave the room. I even seem to be lacking insight into others' insight of me. I think I appear to be a certain way, only to discover I am not viewed by others that way at all.
This weekend I learned that the tri shop I consider the hub of my triathlon community in Maine shut its doors for good. I can't tell you how shocking this was to me. The shop was at the center for most of Maine's triathlon world. The owner had built up the store, buying out other tri shops, expanding its offering of classes and services, and building a community of athletes around an all-inclusive club, Nor'Easter. I loved that shop and all the people who worked there. I loved being a part of Nor'Easter. I lamented that there was nothing akin to it where I actually live, in Massachusetts.
I don't really know what happened. There is plenty of scuttlebutt, but of course no one has the whole, true story, even those who worked there. The owner simply came in on Friday morning, told the staff it was over, and gave them a bit of time to collect their stuff and leave. This action seems so uncharacteristic of the owner, this man I thought I knew. But as I said, my intuition has been off, I guess. I do not believe for a moment that this man intentionally hurt those who worked for him. No one intentionally loses control of finances, wrecking everything he worked so hard to build in the process. No one.
What bothers me more than anything is that I viewed Peak Performance as a rock--something stable and secure. I had no reason to believe this was so... there were signs that things were not all what they should be. But still, I just had this faith in it. And I'm left doubting that I ever really know what's going on with anything or anyone. I even think this about me, believe it or not. For the last year I haven't been able to trust myself, my intentions, my actions, my beliefs. Maybe it's something about hitting mid-life. I simply don't know.
On to something more positive:
Last week I started training again.
Thank. fucking. God.
I'm slow in the pool, I tire easily on the bike and can only push like 110 watts without slipping into zone 3, and yesterday I struggled to hold an 8:40 pace on my run. Yikes! But still, it feels great to be working out again.
I have been lifting and doing core/functional work, and I'm really excited about this. One of my limiters is my muscular endurance and strength. I seem to look fit, but that doesn't translate into actual strength. I cannot do ONE pull-up. Not one. I can't push more than 240 pounds on the leg press. I can only bench the bar, without any weights on it. You get the picture. I'm not sure how I am as fast as I am given how weak I am. The only thing I can think of is that I just don't have a lot to carry around, because I'm so short and small.
Finally, in other terribly exciting news, I am getting my little ankle tattoo on Thursday morning. !!!! I also might get a small tramp stamp. I will post pictures later in the week. I love these little 40th birthday presents to myself.