They are as follows:
Test 1: the bike test. On the trainer. After a half hour warm up, bike 30 minutes at max effort. Then keel over and die. Record average watts, heart rate, and all that shit, if possible, even though technically you are dead.
Test 2: the swim test. Warm up. Then swim 1000 yards as hard as you can. Don't worry if you hurl in the pool. They are friendly and will clean it up just fine.
Test 3: the run test. Warm up 30 minutes and then go 30 minutes all out. Then try to make it home. Then take a hot shower because it's 16 degrees outside and you may freeze your ass off. Record pace, avg. hr, and max hr.
Test 4: Doctor Chokalingam tests
Fast for 12 hours. Don't come to the doctor's office until noon. That's as early as she can take you, and don't complain, you ingrate, just suck it up and don't eat. I really don't care if you feel like you're going to pass out and it's only 10:16 a.m. When you arrive we will give you your favorite test of all--the pap smear. Then we will weigh you on our scale that invariably weighs one 10 lbs heavier than the gym scale. Then we will take your blood pressure and all that other shit, and then we will draw ten vials of blood so we can make sure your cholesterol is just as high as it was the last time. Then we will tell you to go on Lipitor, which you will refuse, because you are not yet 40 and you know damn well that your cholesterol problem is genetic and you have no other risk factors for heart disease.
Then you will get in the car and stuff your face because you are freaking famished.
So far I have completed test numbers 1 and 2. On test number 1 I managed to average 170 watts for the final twenty minutes of the test. No comment on the lameness of that, por favor. It's not that bad for moi.
I didn't barf following the swimming. Fresh from my meet, I'm currently adjusted to that kind of pain. Not an improvement over last season--but not bad either considering I have been swimming very little.
The run. I was supposed to do it today, but there are three things preventing me from doing so:
a. I'm starving and I can't eat until after my physical.
b. After my physical they will have drawn quite a bit of blood. Not sure I should do a max running test after that.
c. Mostly importantly. It really is 16 degrees. I might have to park my ass on the trainer instead.
I will let you know the results of all my testing in a future post.
If I ever get my act together enough to write a holiday letter, this is the picture I'd include in it for 2009.
FYI, I'm so fucking hungry right now I could eat this computer.