Let's play What's on Mary's mind.
*Being liked vs. not giving a rat's ass whether I am liked.*
Who I am: a person concerned with being liked.
Who I want to be: a person who doesn't give a rat's ass whether I am liked.
Here is the funny thing. I want to be liked even by those people who I don't like. What is UP with that?
The truth is I like most people. I find people interesting, even if they are shady characters (I actually really like shady characters), or somewhat boring, or somewhat wacky or somewhat geeky, or somewhat arrogant etc and so on. I am sometimes bothered by people who appear not to be interested in me in any way, but mostly I like people, and simply want to work hard to get them to like me back. This particular characteristic makes me a 2 on the Ennegram Personality Assessment. It makes me an ENFJ on the Myers Briggs PersonalityTest. It makes me a fucking chameleon faker flatterer kiss ass lap dog in real life.
Occasionally I become disgusted with myself as a fucking chameleon faker flatterer kiss ass lap dog, or I get incensed at some slight or injustice or (what I perceive to be) wrong-headed, conceited thinking, and I become a pit bull brutally honest ice queen strident bitch.
This is a problem. It makes me sort of.... psycho--the nice girl who has an inner bitch that attacks without warning or reason.
The real problem for me comes after my inner strident bitch lashes out. Within moments I begin panicking. I return to my fucking chameleon faker flatterer kiss ass lap dog way of being, and then I begin to worry that I am no longer liked by the person who I revealed my pit bull brutally honest ice queen strident bitch way of being to.Even if I really don't like that person.
I am not writing this just to confess that I am somewhat psycho. Of course, I do relish being confessional. It's not hard for me, and it's actually one of the mechanisms I use to get you to like me. Really I write this because I do want you to like me, but I'm working on not caring if you do. I write this because even though I feel like a sixth grader, worrying that the cool kids are talking about me and how I am not cool, I am not a sixth grader, and I need to remind myself that I don't care if you like me at all. Because
I am an adult-- an almost 40 year-old-adult. I have a husband and a home and several degrees, and I've given birth three times to kids who still want to snuggle with me. I am an All-American triathlete in my AG, I am a (new--but pretty good, I'd say) coach.
I was a very good middle school teacher at a very prominent and strong school.
I can drive a stick shift.
I can still play parts of Fur Elise and Minuet in B on the piano.
If you've read something, I've probably read it, too.
I can make people laugh.
And I have a few very, very good friends--some of whom I have had since I was not yet 10 years old.
So I am strong and competent. Really--I am. And I don't need you to like me, even if I hope you still do.
This is random, I know.