When I was young I closeted my musical tastes. The music I really liked I told no one about. Not even my closest friends.
I'm sure you remember how teenagers are. They search for a way to define themselves through the type of clothing they wear or the cool music they like. I wasn't exactly like that. The music I liked, in particular, was not music it was cool to like at all. So I hid what I liked. Instead I feigned my musical penchants -- and allowed these "loves" to morph constantly according to the boy I wanted. Let me be clear: I did seek to define myself according to dress and music. It's just that the music and clothing I used to define myself were the same dress and music that the boy I liked liked. It was pretty simple.
The problem was that I think it may have been a little obvious that I didn't really like the dress or music of the boy I was attempting to snag (no, not shag. well maybe that too in certain cases.) Anyway, the give-away was that I was pretty fickle when it came to boys. I liked a new boy every couple of months--longer if I couldn't quite get him, shorter if the conquest was easy. So one month I would like The Alarm (they only have one good song) and the next month I was just gaga for The Smiths (snore). One day I dressed slightly Euro and was into the English Beat and the next month I was dressed full out in tye-dye and was planning on attending the next Dead show. (Okay, I admit the tye-dye lasted over a year. It's because I could never quite get Nick. Argh. And I hated the Dead. What a painful morphing that one was...)
Anyway, all the while I was mum about what I really liked.
So I'm telling you now. Twenty-five years late.
I really liked Holst's The Planets. I liked Louis Armstrong--especially the song Munching on Cheesecake. I liked instrumental soundtracks to movies--music by John Barry (Somewhere in Time I must have listened to 8 million times by the time I was eighteen)--(later he did Out of Africa and Dances with Wolves... just awesome) and John Williams (Raiders of the Lost Ark, Star Wars, Superman). And I loved Billy Joel and the Beatles--with Billy Joel the early stuff (Summer Highland Falls is still top three of my fav. songs) with the Beatles--the later stuff (Abbey Road. fav album with Sgt Peppers a close second). If I was feeling frisky I listened to early albums by The Police (Outlandos...such a great album.)
But who the hell liked shit like that at sixteen?(Who the hell likes John Barry at any age? Except me?)
I will tell you.
I had a chance to be totally original. And that was cool. But admitting you liked Holst, or Rachmaninoff, or that you preferred listening to early Chicago than The Steve Miller Band--that was tough. Plus, I always wanted the boy of the hour. There are many ways to achieve this--but one of them is to flatter him into believing you share a deep connection with him. Stroke. Stroke.
Why am I writing all of this?
Because today I had a musical orgasm at mile 20 of an (obviously) very long run--and I had it to a song by Miley Cyrus. And that is tough to admit.
But I needed to purge. I'm forty in one month. I'm done with hiding my true loves....snicker. cough.
I can almost see it
The dream I'm dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head
"You'll never reach it"
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking.
I was pumping my arms, singing aloud.
Always gonna be another mountain. I'm always gonna want to make it movvvveee...!
A shiver went through me and I was there, hydroplaning in ecstasy.
No, not a literal orgasm.... (now THAT would be tough to achieve at mile 20...) but an orgasm of the musical variety. Some of you may know what I'm talking about.
Now my calves ache. My feet are killing. I'm unsure I can get up and do it again tomorrow. And it might be all for not... my faith really is shaking.
sometimes I'm gonna have to lose.
And it scares me to work so hard and then have that be all I am. I'm trying to keep the faith, baby. Miley (or the writers of the song, I should say) don't have to tell me it's the climb. I know.
I just have to remember that.