It's been so long since I have posted that I don't know where to start.
In my last post, in September, I wrote about how things were about to get really crazy. I started graduate school in English.
And so things did get crazy-so crazy I wasn't even able to write a sentence in this blog. I did write quite a bit, though--in terms of writing papers and writing comments on student papers.
Even though I was busy and pretty stressed out, I liked the work. I wrote an interesting paper (to me--and maybe to those who like Henry James) interpreting Isabel's destiny in The Portrait of a Lady. Maybe I should post all 20 pages of it here?
Just kidding....
I need to admit that I have no idea what I'm dong right now... I mean, in terms of my next step. Or, I know some things. Like today I will take my youngest daughter to ballet and my son to a karate belt ceremony. In terms of the next few months, I'm signed up to take a class on Dickens and Eliot. I'm also training for Ironman Coeur D'Alene in late June. I also may take a sub position teaching 5th grade history and English.
Or I may do none of those things. Or just one of them. I have quite a few competing voices in my head telling me what to do. It's getting pretty loud in there, and the louder it gets the more I want to just shut down and do nothing but stare at my dogs as they play.
I find that soothing. Watching dogs play is a good pastime, I think.
In the last few years I've started and stopped so many projects. I have an appetite for taking on big goals and seeing how far I can get with them. The problem I think I'm having right now is twofold. First, I have three children and five dogs. I thought as my children got older that I would have more time, but that's not the case. The time is allocated differently, but it is the same amount of time as when they were younger, despite that they are in school during the day. I keep thinking that NOW is the time to get back to my a professional life--isn't that what other mothers do at this point? But when I try, I become so harried and stressed that I no longer enjoy the pursuit of the professional--and I shut down and throw the professional goal to the wind.
The other aspect of the problem is that at middle-age, I'm starting to battle myself in terms of my over-achievement. There is a voice inside now that whispers, Mary, you do not need to be the best at what you love, you just need to pursue the things you love.
My modus operandi has always been that if you love it you should master it.
So, it's not enough to read James. I must write a dissertation on James; it must be published; I must teach James. Or, it's not enough to compete in triathlons. I must do Ironman; I must get to Kona; I must be a coach to those doing Ironman. and so on. Apply that thinking to virtually anything I decide I love to do.
I figure... I'm writing to the long course triathlon crowd. Right? So most of you must know what I mean? Because I know you are like me. Any advice or commiseration is welcome.
But let's talk about training!
Because too much of that schlock above is tiresome. We both know that.
The truth is, I actually HAVE BEEN TRAINING! After taking a long time off, and then executing an extremely short season, and then taking MORE time off, I have started training. I am working with the ever-patient Kurt. I'm trying very hard to be a not-quite-as-high-maintenance- athlete as I have been in the past.
On January 5th I ran a 5k in Maine with Jordan. She almost beat me. Things are getting close at this point. I ran a 21:09. She ran a 21:40. I have been running 25-30 miles a week in training; she has been running 0-5 miles a week in training. Anyway, I placed 3rd overall, and Jordan was 4th overall. I'm sure it annoyed all the hard-working age group women that a 12-year-old sprinted ahead of them--and then stayed ahead of them. But I'm proud, because she is MY little peanut. Or she was a peanut. Now she's nearly as tall as me.
Here we are post-race.
Jordan finishing.And me finishing.
It was a slushy, icy day. The footing on much of the course was not good, and neither Jordan nor I had the appropriate shoes for those conditions. But we still had fun. After the race we took Noah and Lara out for a big pizza lunch. Andy missed the fun... because he was in Massachusetts taking care of all our pooches.
Next up is the Boston Prep 16 Miler in Derry, NH. Locals know this race! It's a super hilly course. A bunch of us from my running club are racing it.
I've been loving the training lately. It feels so good to be back at it.
7 comments:
I SO recognise the need to master, to excel, in everything you take on. That attitude has taken you really far and you've achieved a great amount. However, when it comes to thinking what you WANT to do - the picture changes. And if you can think about that, do that. I know the voices so well, but enjoying stuff for its own sake is an incredible pleasure.
Speaking of which - seeing Jordan NAIL that 5k (WOW!) must have been sweet as anything? WOW! She looks so strong as well. Nice going girls.. Now go and walk some dogs, watch them play and see where that takes you.
Oh I totally know where you are at with that overload of the brain right now…I'm managing to stay afloat with grad school (barely) while living 1000 miles from my husband and keeping the dogs happy and training for triathlon…and then I keep entering the dogs in competitions and not getting time to practice so we don't go compete. I think I need to put myself on hiatus from doing anything extra, i.e. dog sports, until the rest of my life quiets down just a little. But it's hard to say no when you are used to doing everything at once and balancing it!!!!
All the best as you sort through the same!
The idea that anything worth doing is worth overdoing is a big hit with the long course IM crowd. Of which I'm a very slow member. Much of my life I struggled with wondering what I should be doing.
There is no answer. If you want to watch dogs playing for a while, do that. As you say, it's very soothing. That's a signed you might need a break from things.
They say age and treachery defeats youth and skill every time. Maybe it's time for you to start taking up treachery.
Please tell Jordan to appreciate her finish in that race. That is just awesome to train 0-5 miles a week and do a 21:40!! The thing is, she probably doesn't have to appreciate it that much b/c she will get much much faster. Ah, well!
I am an ex-long course ironman person and I don't miss it at all... I always did my best with triathlon and I still love to focus on a running goal and execute it with my best effort but I guess I just don't have it in me to even care as much anymore. I loved ironman when I was single, then a little less when I met my husband, and now I don't miss it at all, with an almost 2 year old and one on the way. My priorities have shifted and that is ok with me. If you prioritize everything at once, your head will explode, right? Don't let that happen because I would miss reading your blog:) Kudos to you on your 5k and especially to Jordan! You must be one proud mama:)
When I saw your post I was inspired to write my own post. :) I am not quite as obsessed with things like you are but I do focus on only a few things and figure this is the way to become better at it.
Maine Running Photos was not un Derry, NH on Sunday for the Boston Prep 16 miler but should be in Cape Elizabeth on Sunday. See you there? More more photos & video of the Scarborough event see: http://mainerunningphotos.com/scarborough/scarborough-frozen-5k-2/
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