I'm a woman with little faith.
I'm a woman who needs proof.
I'm a woman who believes that the most current proof is, in fact, the truth.
Whatever truth has just transpired, that is the one I believe. That truth is the truth. Last week's truth is not good enough. Last week's truth is no longer accurate.
This belief really isn't a good one to adopt, just in case you were thinking of doing so. Of course, if you are an OCD triathlete, and I know many of you are, then this thinking is familiar to you, I'm pretty sure.
You are only a good parent when the latest truth has revealed this to be so.
You are only funny, or interesting, or profound according to the last time someone else's response to you revealed this to be true.
You are only a good teacher according to the success (or not) of the last class you taught.
You are only as good an athlete as your latest performance revealed.
Show me the money, baby. The rest is bullshit.
The solution seems simple. If you have a good race, simply never race again. Then that truth, the truth that you are a superior human being worthy of worship for your athletic prowess, remains intact.
Alas, it doesn't work that way.
I think of it a bit like taking, say, a narcotic.
You race really well, or someone laughs when you are funny, or your child hugs you and says "You're the best Mom eva"--and in that moment YOU ARE. You get high with the truth of it. I really am! Proof! But then time passes and things get darker. You need another hit. You need more proof. You need to confirm that the last race, the last compliment, the last sign of affection from your little person was not a fluke. You stop believing in that last piece of proof. It can no longer be valid, because it happened too long ago--even if too long ago is only a few hours.
Unfortunately, negative proof works differently. Negative proof reinforces what you fear to be true, and that proof remains strong and fast until you can get a positive proof to knock it out of the way for a bit. Hence, proof becomes addictive. Hence, you workout 20 hours a week and do an Ironman. Hence, you are certifiably insane.
I know the real solution here would be to, you know, do some work on the old self esteem. When you figure out how to do that, let me know.
Luckily for me, I have a race this weekend. Let's hope I kick ass. I plan to kick ass. I need a shot of proof. I need it.
8 comments:
i have faith that you will kick ass on sunday. and if nothing else, i have faith that you have certainly have fun afterwards! cant wait to see you!
Have a great half marathon!
"a shot of proof".
more like a CONFIRMATION.
proof and narcotics have nothing to do with each other.
your ego, on the other hand, needs a CONFIRMATION that you've still got "it".
and i would be willing to bet money you get "it" this weekend.
Good luck this weekend! And kick ass.
You're right; the proof is always so fleeting because circumstances, people, and bodies change. You think you're going to get empirical evidence of being a great athlete and then--bam--something gives way, you lose your fitness, or you start to doubt your abilities, and you have to go out there and prove it again. Maybe quitting athletics for something with real proof--like vodka--is a good alternative.
Go kick some ass! Sounds like you are ready - so go out and do it!
The best way to work on one's self esteem: never, ever fail. Good luck.
Great post, by the way. You hit the nail on the head. But I think that this is what makes people like you valuable to those that you are constantly working hard to impress: boss, kids, friends, whomever. You will work your little tail off to be the BEST at anything that you are committed to doing well. Sure, inside you it's pretty rough, I'm sure. But outside, I bet you're the kind of person who never gets comfortable enough in her abilities to slack off and therefore is always 10 times greater than she believes. I bet behind your back people say, 'man, I wish I had the drive that Mary has. I don't know what we'd do without her.' Just a guess.
I'd say you got some Proof today...huh? NICE RUN GIRL!!!! Woohoo!!
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