I think everyone's motives are based in self interest. I think people's passions often mask deep personal issues they are trying to bury or destroy. I think nobody actually gives a shit about anyone else outside of their small sphere of people they rely on for love and care, and when that love and care is withdrawn--for whatever reason--they smart for awhile and then abandon their care in kind.
I also don't believe that people change except in small ways. In fact, as we age I think we become even more exaggerated versions of the people we once were.
Ironically, I read with vigor novels of the Bildungsroman genre. I love watching a character struggle, mature, and then find his place within himself and society. But then, soon after I finish such a book, I (not ironically) feel hollow. We grow, but arrive nowhere. We grow. Then lose anyway. We grow, but as Estella says at the end of Great Expectations, “Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching. . . I have been bent and broken, but—I hope—into a better shape.”
A better shape. Is there such a thing? Can something bent and broken BE a better shape?
Yes, given that my life view is such a -- well, a downer--you'd think that I would not become victim to hope and the romantic. But there's the irony! I am! It's like this vestige of youth I can't shake... the idea that I can be a more perfect version of myself--that I can love perfectly--that I will be loved perfectly--that around the corner is peace, happiness, true, pure love....
etc.
Seriously. What the hell is wrong with me?
The answer to this is to do an Ironman. Doesn't that make sense? Can't you see it? I'm moving forward--toward something big and great. Sure, it gets me nowhere except another 140 miles down the road. But nothing gets us anywhere... so why not swim, bike and run my way to nowhere? At least my bike is inanimate. I can love her and I can create that she loves me back unconditionally. At least the open water gives me stillness and peace. At least I can lose myself temporarily in the pounding of pavement.Swim, bike, run. It's all good. And more of it is even better.
Which is why I am going to crush this race.
12 comments:
For some reason my Google Reader did not load this whole post, and it ended with "what the hell is wrong with me?"
I'm glad I clicked through to your actual page. :) and yes, you will crush it!!
I can relate to so much of this post - but not quite the ironman. Though I know that part of me thinks that if i could do Ironman I would succeed in bending more of my personality into what I would like it to be. The other part doubts that.
I don't know whether I believe change is possible - but I do believe a change in opinion / attitude / view is and it's a massive thing when this happens. It's happened to me with regard to physical excercise and it's happened to me over the past year in terms of how I deal with crap thrown my way. But the suffering bit is right. Estella got it on the nose.
First paragraph, yup, I agree. We are in fact 2 year olds fighting for our "toys". And yes about passions, of course, everything we do has an alterior motive.
I disagree with what you say about getting older. I actually think we become softer as we age; yes, more stuck in our ways, but softer (generally speaking) and kinder. Maybe bc there is less and less to lose?
Oh, and I absolutely agree with you crushing IPLP! No doubt in my mind! Whatever takes you there! And I will be cheering you on!
ironic timing Mary.
as i struggle with the balance of my training with my marriage...i can say i feel the same way about my training right now. "At least I can lose myself temporarily in the pounding of pavement.Swim, bike, run. It's all good. And more of it is even better" It's almost religion to me so AMEN!
:)
Hope to see you when you are in Maine. Been at OP all week with family visiting from AZ
Hi Mary,
My name is Amanda. I came across your blog a few weeks ago and have been following since. I just wanted you to know this post of yours feels very similar as to why I am running a marathon. Why I think running 26.2 miles is going to make me feel better deep down in some way, I'm not too sure. But I sure hope it does. I'd love for you to check out my blog if you ever get a chance! http://picspicksap.blogspot.com/
good luck!
I'm so excited for you in so many ways I can't contain myself, I think what your going to do on the 24th is going to be amazing, your are there Mary, so close, and the work and effort you have put into it to get to this point is incredible. Crush it Mary, with everything you got. Your amazing.
2nd and 3rd paragraph couldnt ring more true to me based on what i have been dealing with the last 2 weeks. i cant wait to track you on the 24th.
Oh how we struggle with this! I've been told I have an obsession....yes I do and I need it because it helps me "escape" and makes me happy and that in turn will be so beneficial to have a happy mommy and wife, believe me. We as women needs this, we have to have our outlet....
Thanks for posting! And you will totally rock the race!
I can so relate; as training is the only thing keeping me together right now. You will crush this race. Can't wait to hear all about it!
the answer to this of course is a ... Lemon Luau featuring all the best lemon-ized edibles.
Yes you are.
Now enough philosophizing; it's time to get your head in the game.
Word. :)
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