When I was in college I was not a particularly ambitious athlete. I might have become one in high school, but for one reason or another my hours at the pool left me believing I was only an okay athlete--not necessarily one deserving of lofty goals or ambitions. So in college, my athletic ambitions were mostly strategic. I ran to lose weight and to keep in shape. I played rugby because it put me in the center of the best partying to be had. Sport was a means to an end, not an end in itself.
When I began to run for pleasure, and not just to maintain my weight, I was still not particularly ambitious about it. My high school belief that I was a fair athlete only, and one not deserving of lofty goals, held fast. And so, because I didn't expect great things of me and my running, it used to be that simply running a race filled me with joy and pride. I could run 3 miles, and then 5, and then 13.1 and then 26.2. I wasn't particularly concerned with how fast I ran these races. The fact that I could run them at all made me enormously proud. I was startled and pleased to find out that if I set my mind to it, I could actually run quite far--a marathon even! Who would have thought it possible for someone like me to do THAT?
I think it was after I completed that first marathon (1997--a long time ago now!) that I finally believed myself to be a runner I was not at the front of the pack, and that was fine with me. I was in good shape, and I could run a long way. That was enough.
It was enough for a long time.
It is not enough anymore.
And I find myself wondering, when did that happen? When did I cross the line from just being joyful that I could run at all, to being ever so slightly disappointed when I did not run the very fastest of everyone in the race? At first my new found ambition for running far, and then fast, and then both far and fast, and then both far and fast with a swim and bike tacked on to the beginning, made me focused, determined and strong. It gave me life. But gradually....
When does ambition stop giving life, and begin to take life from you?
What a careful balance it is allowing ourselves to dream while simultaneously remaining in the here and now--with the data we have and not the data we want. It is a balance I have not mastered.
I have had a strong season. I can say that, even though it causes me agitation to write it. I placed in the top 5 in my AG at Florida 70.3. I PR-ed in the Ironman by over a half hour, and bettered my placing to number 8 in my AG. I placed second to Ange in a local sprint just weeks after my IM. I knocked 13 minutes off my previous time at Timberman. But I don't feel good about any of it. Not really. Somehow I allowed my ambition to steal from me my hard-fought success.
I feel a number of things in addition to "not really feeling good about any of it": I feel greedy and guilty for not feeling more proud, I feel angry that I didn't achieve the level I know I can, I feel underestimated by those around me who insist I have had a good season, when I'm sure it was only just fine, and above all I feel WRONG for feeling all of those feelings! Oh, what a mess to be worked through. Bring in the shrinks! Bring in the self-help books! Because who the hell am I to want more than what my record shows!
My husband calls this phenomenon-that of not feeling good about what you achieved because it does not measure up to the lofty goals you set for yourself -- "ambition creep". I am fairly sure I am not the only person to suffer this ailment. I suspect you have experienced what I am talking about at some point in your life, in some context. Probably many of you reading this have experienced it in sport.
Andy dealt with ambition creep in college. He was a walk-on at William&Mary in Virginia. No one expected much of him. He allowed people's low expectations to fuel him, and by the time he was a senior he was one of the top Division 1 collegiate athletes in the Steeple Chase in the country. But that wasn't enough. He wanted to qualify for the Olympic Trials. He stayed on for a fifth year at W&M, still able to compete after missing his junior year track season to Chicken Pox. He raced and raced and raced--and the ceiling remained. He fell short. Barely. But short.
I met him soon after he left W&M. I was in awe of his running accomplishments, but clearly he felt less stellar about them. He battled between trying to appear appreciative and respectful of his running record and oozing bitterness and disappointment that he had lost his chance and would never accomplish what he had set out to do.
I didn't get it. At all. I wanted him to just sign up for this local road race or that, and run, and win, and feel good about it. Why the hell couldn't he feel good about it? How awesome would it be to just go out to some random local 5k and win it?
I get it now. I just don't know how exactly to deal with it now that I get it.
Here is what I know:
I know I am what my record says I am--no more, no less (This is Bill Parcells, Andy tells me.)
I know that no matter how good I am there will always be someone better.
I know I need to mark my accomplishments at my destinations, but also enjoy myself along the way.
I know there is a fine line between challenging myself and fooling myself, and as a competitive athlete, it's my job to find that line--and deal with it--and move it.
I know these things mostly because Andy, who quickly recognized my problem, named it, and is trying in vain to help me deal with it. I can be a fairly decent listener, and so I do know all of these things-- intellectually. I just don't know how to turn that knowledge into feeling really good about a season in which I raced pretty well, but in which I didn't achieve what I wanted to achieve.
I am open to suggestions.
34 comments:
Here's something I learned in my years of triathloning: the more worried about my success (how much, how often), the bigger I failed. When I started nitpicking my performance, feeling like it was never enough I became so focused on the outcome that I lost the pleasure of the process. Don't be so hard on yourself that you take the fun out of it. After all, none of us get paid to do this, it's for fun. Keep it that way and you'll find yourself more satisfied with what you achieve and probably achieving more in your eyes.
ELF and I are related. You know how i feel about all of this. YOU have made so much progress and have raced and PRd and won all across so many levels.!! I wish I could personally answer the question of "not feeling satisfied." I personally never feel that way...because I do so much enjoy the process too and so much enjoy the journey and if I don't focus too much on fail/succeed (since I don't think about it in those terms) I never really do fail -- I just have another chance to learn things.
It is why I always tell athletes to celebrate every success..every "WIN" - every PR - every little thing that we accomplish...and that is what makes us all satisfied and sleep at night.
If we are always in search of the next best thing - or think we are never good enough -even racing up to current potential, - we are never ever content and always searching and always thinking someone has the magic answer or magic pill or workout - nope...it is much much simplier than that. But, most are too bogged down to see the simplicity of this sport and their own personal success. :) xo
(I am not implying you are too blogged down...just making a point).
Mostly I just want to say how well you captured this feeling. To be utterly presumptive, since I only "know" you from your blog, I'll also say this: you seem to do the best and be the happiest when you get to play to your strength, which is your incredible competitive toughness. Sitting back and pacing it perfectly, while you do terrifically well at it, isn't your thing. You do it well, but you compete even better.
KT--.
You. Are. Right.
And that gives me something to think about it. Thanks.
Yup, you never get where you want to be. That's the whole point. Otherwise you'd be done.
"repeatedly drilled it into me"
I can't believe it's been up there 3 hours and nobody's run with it. Where's Kim?
PS - I'm drinking.
@Solobreak! haha! I CAUGHT IT! And I changed it (I thought) before anyone else caught it. I shoulda known it wouldn't have escaped you, though. And drinking? On a Wednesday night? ;
Wednesday, of course. I have to race on the weekend... Tonight was cross practice, so I'm on to beer #3.
You're buying Andy a cross bike right? It's like steeplechase on wheels.
No way, Man! I am buying me the cross bike! But you're right. It's kind of like the steeple on wheels. Maybe I will be nice and get him one (that fits me and that I can ride.) ;)
I think I have written this on my blog in 20 different variations. But you stated it best. And you are a better athlete. It's something to be grappled with but not sure yet whether it is ultimately good or bad.
I'd like to know what you didn't accomplish this season? What goals didn't you reach that you set out for? A good friend of mine told me recently that she hasn't heard me say anything positive about a race in over a year ( accept for PUmpkinman recently) she told me to re-evaluate why I do this sport and rekindle the love I had for it when I started 4 years ago. She was so right, I sort of lost my way a bit. It was hard for her to hear me say, " I won my age group but I could of swam faster, my watts were low and my run could of been faster) She just wanted to hear me say, " man that was fun and I performed to the best of my ability on that day". I think I am going to approach racing this way in the future, I'm competitive and I want to win and perform well but not at the expense of having fun and loving what I do. No more excuses for this chick.
Be proud of yourself Mary, in my opinion you had a great year, take what you learned this year and apply it to next, things only get better.
And with regards to cross biking, its super fun but I don't recommend going over big logs, I crashed into a tree today, nothing too bad but a bruised ego.
I just have to say that you're inspiring, whatever demons you're dealing with. I'm a newbie athlete at 41, and thought that everyone who was any good had been athletes all growing up. I love knowing that someone I look up to in racing actually discovered her strengths later in life (earlier than me, but still...)
I suppose even though you're dealing with ambition creep, and there will always be someone faster than you, there are thousands who are inspired by what you've accomplished and can only hope to match it one day. It's all relative :-)
LOVED this post. I should forward this to my non-tri geek friends that are like "Um, you finished the race. Why would you notice, let alone care, if someone passes you???" Anyway I have definitely felt shades of this at different times.... Thanks for sharing. I enjoy the discussion this has generated. Keep bloggin.
Oh, I get lost in this post:)
I think the big issue is to figure out what being the fastest would give you. We all want to be fast, win our AG, etc, but I think for you is more than that.
I have a love/hate relationships with athletic goals - I love chasing them, I love the focus they give to my life, and I love accomplishing them. But, I hate that after I get the goal, I feel lost, and depressed, and with no direction. I also hate how all consuming they can get. This is something I have been working on. For me the answer is to not put all my eggs in one basket!
oh solobreak, you know me better than i know myself! mary - great post - i am definitely interested in hearing what others say - because while i think i had a "decent" season with 3 PRs.... i just cant be happy! i want bigger and better!
No matter how bad, or good, I do in a race; whether it be a new PR or the slowest I have ever run, I ask myself this question afterwards:
Did I try my hardest?
If the answer is yes than I know that there is nothing I could have done to change the outcome. I may not be psyched about the results, but I take comfort in knowing that it was my best at that particular moment.
And then I get back to making myself better for the next time.
I'm not exactly sure why, but I thought of this quote while reading your post. It's a good one:
“If you treat an individual as he is, he will remain as he is. But, if you treat him as if he were what he ought to be and could be, he will become what he ought and could be.”
-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Maybe you aren't treating yourself as the champion, winner, whatever it is you think you're lacking and that's why you're not satisfied? Because you are still not what you ought to be or could be in your eyes?
Not sure if that makes sense but I thought I'd share. Thanks for writing this post!
I totally get this, even in my less than two years of running seriously. Thanks, as always, for putting into words the stuff I think about and don't know how to describe.
I think runputt's approach is what works best for me so far.
This was great Mary - I love the term "ambition creep". The problem with being completely satisfied with your performance is then there is less urge to reach higher...so it is kind of good to never get right where you want to be, because you always push yourself that much more...
I just read that and am not sure it makes sense.
Great post, and many great answers and suggestions. I agree with much of what was said. The only thing I can suggest is to really change things up for two months or so. Last weekend I ran for and hour and then 1:15 in the Winchester Fells. It was beautiful, inspiring, a good amount of work, and has a positive effect on my stride. Trail running doesn't equate to a pace on the road, so it isn't fair to compare to road times, so you ignore the times/pace. Related to this, train naked. I mean without data....no ptap, Garmin, etc. Just go. Appreciate what's around you. Listen to some good music or podcasts. In another 5 months, you'll be seriously training for IMLP. You can't enter that period mentally tired or confused. So turn it off, do something different, and go naked....
I am with ELF and Jenn on this one. Coaching athletes and racing is a FUN thing, that is why we do it. It is great to aim high and want to accomplish more, but it is equally important to celebrate your success, your journey, and the fact that you learn so much about yourself along the way.
It is SO common what you are experiencing however. Training is about a big macro cycle that doesn't all happen in ONE year, but three and four years at at time (hence the olympics only taking place every 4 years).
Keep believing and remember to celebrate...even the smallest of victories!!
tn
I'm with @Mike Platt ...
There are people that are racers.
There are people that enter races.
You are either one or the other. Period. Nothing wrong with that.
Hmm... I seem to remember you saying something about taking a break this October.
Or maybe you just need a few more frigid open water swims to jolt your brain back into a good place.
so true. and such a good post. I don't know if this will be of help or make any sense but what I think about a lot when I am frustrated is- what if I HAD made every single one of my goals in a neat, orderly progression? No stress fractures, no bonking, time and resources at my disposal, if I was "on" every time I showed up to race... how interesting would that be? I could go crazy trying to figure out how much better I would be by now, but I guarantee I would be less hungry. I guess for me not being satisfied is connected to a belief that I DO have the potential to meet some goal, even if I didn't on that given day... and that belief is what makes stepping on the line and racing so much of a gift.
I think that what you're getting at, Mike, is that racing is reflexive. The reason to race is to race--it is pure--and when a "racer" is racing, it is as simple as that. It's purpose is not outside of the racing. It just is.
You just race.
But that is when actually racing.
But can't one still be a racer who analyzes the results of her racing and places judgment on them? after the race is over? How would racers get any better if they did not go beyond just the reflexive aspect of racing? Some analysis needs to be done in order to determine how to improve. And isn't the desire to race faster and then faster still a part of the description of a racer? You cannot tell me that you have not stood back and reflected upon your results and what they may mean. You do not ever go back at the end of a season and reflect upon whether your race performances were in line with your goals for that season?
In the end, or when you are old like me, you will look back at these times and races with a fondness and some heartache, as no matter how much you train when older, you will not be better than you are right now. And it won't matter-because your relationships with loved ones, children, friends and your career will overshadow any triathlon accomplishments.
I mean what do you want to be known for when you leave this place...that you were a fast triathlete or a loving spouse/parent/friend?
I am glad I didn't have the internet when I was at my peak...I never had to post my "success" stories or my "not-so-successful" races. Blogging has changed all that...and not necessarily for the better (My opinion).
Keep doing it for you. That's all that matters.
In the end, or when you are old like me, you will look back at these times and races with a fondness and some heartache, as no matter how much you train when older, you will not be better than you are right now. And it won't matter-because your relationships with loved ones, children, friends and your career will overshadow any triathlon accomplishments.
I mean what do you want to be known for when you leave this place...that you were a fast triathlete or a loving spouse/parent/friend?
I am glad I didn't have the internet when I was at my peak...I never had to post my "success" stories or my "not-so-successful" races. Blogging has changed all that...and not necessarily for the better (My opinion).
Keep doing it for you. That's all that matters.
John--can you repose? I'm on my phone and my fat finger rolled over delete instead of publish!!
Mike. You are an eloquent writer. And lengthy too. Haha! Ambition creep has at its core belief-- the belief, whether warrented or not, that you can do better. The problem with ambition creep is that it brings with it shame and anger. It brings with it the steadfast belief that you are not good enough. That you believe you found failure-- and hence the races in which you belong, speaks to the fact that you are on the opposite side if ambition creep. You are at peace with your record-/so much so that the record is of no consequence now. The record misses the point. I hope to someday get to that place.
Sure, here's the repost. :) Don't remember my exact words, but my point was that there's nothing wrong with ambition creep. If you stop pushing and busting your butt to do better and kick the crap out of everyone else, what's the point of competition? I fully understand the value of achievement and accomplishment - that's one reason I've run ultras, Goofy, and other crazy stuff - but for those of us with a competitive drive, there's something else that's more valuable.
love this post. thank you for your honesty and talking about something almost all triathletes wrestle with. i don't know when i crossed the line but it played the huge role in me pushing beyond my limits and burning out on the sport and life. somewhere along the way it went from giving to sucking all the fun out. boo!
my input is to recognize it, challenge those "not good enough" thoughts when they arise, set realistic goals, set races with no watches or goals other than to have fun and refresh your love of the sport, and if none of that works, be real with yourself and impose a mini break. time outs work and if we can't keep goals from taking the fun out of it, we need a break before it breaks us.
big hugs.
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