It would be nice not to give a rip whether your underwear showed.
I know you will forgive me speaking metaphorically here.
I care too much.
You'd think after 41.4 years I would not care what is thought of me--if anything is thought of me at all--and you'd think I'd be able to accept who I am, warts and all, and just be. But I go through phases of being racked by anxiety that I am not all that--and that the world knows it--and that something must be done about it RIGHT NOW THIS MINUTE.
I am in one of those phases now.
It's a funny thing about training and working. It gives me such day to day purpose that I don't focus on my shortcomings. Without it, I lack focus--or more accurately--I am aware of my lack of focus and more annoyed and burdened by it. I can't seem to keep up, and this bothers me very much. Generally I am irritated by people who seem to have it all together, yet I feel I SHOULD be one of those people. This disconnect is yet another reason to be annoyed with myself.
There is laundry all over the dining room table, my kids are watching MonteCarlo (that very profound 2011 movie with Selena Gomez) for like the tenth time even though it's really not age appropriate for Lara, I haven't made dinner, the dogs didn't get a good walk today, the grocery shopping wasn't done, and here I am. What DID I achieve? I don't even know! Nothing? Drinking coffee while watching soccer? Swimming a few thousand yards while the kids messed around in free swim? Answering email? Checking FB? Worse, I haven't worn make-up in like a month, my eyebrows are growing together, I have a zit on my cheek and I am finding more gray hairs every single day.
Each day I go to bed with new resolve. TOMORROW I will pull it all together. I have got my lists, I've made a schedule, I'm fired up and ready to go.
And by 9 am I have already fucked it all up--having spent too long on email and coffee before the day has even begun.
But when it comes to training and working... now THAT I can do. I rarely miss a workout. Actually, I'll be frank. I never miss a workout. And I love spending time constructing my athlete schedules and emailing with them about workouts And that gives me esteem. Hey! I have fourteen loads of laundry to do, and my dogs are farting up a storm because they ate the strewn remnants of Goldfish crackers and yogurt off the table, and my kids are somewhere in the neighborhood rip-sticking but I'll be damned if I know where, I'm so hairy you'd need a lawn mower to clean up my eyebrows, my legs (etc), my hair hasn't been cut for nine months, and the downstairs toilet is caked in dry piss, and I totally spaced and failed to take Jordan to her orthodontist appointment, but
HEY ! I got that 3000 yards in and I responded to all of my clients today! Yes, I did!
And I have to say this:
I think I wouldn't dislike myself so much for my inability to keep it all together (aside from my work and my working out) if everyone didn't present such a fucking cheery picture on FaceBook.
REALLY! I only need five minutes on FB to feel like crap. I look at happy, productive families, joyous and life affirming updates, witty snippets of smooth as silk lives, and people who are neat, trimmed, youthful...
And the worst thing is that I am guilty of presenting the same thing!
Which pictures are the cutest of my kids? Which are the funniest? How can I present the very most funny, smart, good-looking image of ME and my progeny possible so that everyone is jealous and wants to be ME!
Oh dear God I feel sick even thinking about it.
What would happen if I posted pictures like this:
Hey look! It's my kid! He's stolen my iphone and is taking pictures of himself as I drag him in the car on who knows what errand!
or
Hey look everyone! It's my really really messy desk! I am totally disorganized! Aren't you jealous?
as opposed to something like this, which I'm fairly certain I did post to FB:
I'm not sure why I try to make everything look cheery, except that to NOT make things look cheery means I am less cheery than you, and hence I am less realized and well off and successful etc and so on. I'd hate for you to think that--that I am not as cheery and successful as you. And you'd hate me to think that of you too, I bet.
But constantly viewing people's perfected versions of their lives really does a number on me. I know the plastic lives presented are not REAL, but they seem real--just like the life I present to you on FB does. You know?
How does this ALL RELATE TO UNDERWEAR.
I think I may have lost the thread. Maybe you can tell me. Maybe post it on Face Book.
;)
20 comments:
I think this is hilarious! I try to joke on Facebook about what a train wreck the rest of my life is during IM training - but i"m getting the workouts done and that's all that matters, right? Who cares that I'm barely holding it all together otherwise?! On the positive side, at least we kind of have an excuse for being frazzled!
Yup, this is Mary when not training:)
Yes, everyone has a story, and no one has the perfect life they project. It is fairly easy to see that even in a happy go lucky post. I don't do Facebook (I don't like people that much:) so have no idea about what goes on around there.
By the way I am worse than you in the sense that my house is always a mess, my son never flashes the toilet, OK, Chris never flashes the toilet bc of waste of water issue, our basement is...well, undescribable, I got a haircut today after probably one year of no trim...I could keep going (and yes, I never miss a work deadline or a workout). The only difference is that I really don't care much about these things. Probably if I was not so darn busy with things that I love (training and work, mostly), I would. So, my advice to you, get lost in your athletes' schedules, your book (more reviews, please) and other things that are more exciting than laundry. Those things will get done, too, eventually, so why stress about them?
OMG you are so funny, I purposely try never to post pictures of myself or my kids on Facebook, we are just a crazy crew. My son has had dirty ( I mean gross legs) for about 4 days, no shower, just goes to bed, my other kids I let get dressed in the morning themselves and half go out the door without underwear on and later get a call from the school about the issue. I have an ingrown hair in a place that doesn't shine that looks like a tumor but the workouts get in. Life is what life is and I'm grateful I'm not alone. Miss ya.
Why wear underwear???? Facebook is a way for people to feel better about themselves. Live outside the Internet!! I see patients in my practice everyday that say I want to be normal. What is normal. Those that need to market themselves as such likely have the biggest shortcomings.
I totally get the underwear comment and how it led to your post. I feel guilty a lot about the fact I can dedicate so much time and effort to training and yet I have shortcomings in the house and I'm not the perfect mom. And for me, I'm putting in all the time and effort into training and I'm not very good or very fast. At least you're fast!
But looking at daughters (I look at mine often) and hope she can hold onto that "I don't care what people think. I look awesome in purple pants, green shirt, gray boots over the pants...and 14 bobby-pins in the hair."
And that's why we TRI, because during the training and racing, we feel ok and focused. I liked your post!
I say share this kind of stuff on facebook. It is refreshing. Tell about the CRAP because most likely, you're not alone in this and you're not alone in the "sick of facebook perfect" thing going on. Post this post even...Chances are there are way more people who will sigh a big fat sigh of relief and agree with you! Love your words...you are a great writer...It is always nice to read posts all the way through and then not be ready for them to end. No skimming with this post...I just read it like a good book. Not everyone can do that so celebrate that along with your bad ass athletic abilities. Anyone can do laundry...so boring.
God I can relate. Of course you had me totally fooled on FB - perfect kids, amazing bod, Kona ffs! - talk about enviable!
Awful to say this post made me feel better but it did. But seriously - you KNOW that we all do the same re photos of our kids and generally how we present ourselves. Get some workouts in and after a while this feeling will go away...
OK-I've read this like 5 times.
HANDS DOWN the best writer in blog world. Funniest and also most thought provoking.
SO true. I have a LOAD of pictures of my perfect family on Facebook:) Everyone does this, projects perfection somewhat... Obvious, but yet I still like to play the game sometimes. Your caption under your kids' swimming picture just made me laugh out loud.
In my opinion you've got it all together. Having it all together is totally relative. Your kids are happy-loved, you bring your A game to work, and cleaning up caked dried piss won't give you a tight ass, right! Furthermore, I wonder how many people are envious of your ability to be ABLE to let it go sometimes! Too many people can't do this, just as stressful.
Great post-great blog.
screw housework- i'll clean later. i spent too many years cleaning and ignorning what I wanted out of life so
really...
i'd rather train...
and play dress up with lola...
or update my blog...
or enter a contest to win an autographed water bottle from Chrissie...
or talk about training...
or email my coach about how i love training...
or re-read Kona race reports....
:)
so priority #1 is to make sure lola is loved, happy, secure and living the best life i can give her
#2 is making sure i am loved, happy, sercure and living the best life i can give myself
I always love reading your blog Mary. You always have some food for thought through the humor and the honesty.
Hey, just wanted to say that you've inspired A LOT of self revealing posts. Fun to see some showing their underwear, LOL.
And I agree with Jenn. You could write about moth and I would still read your posts!
Well- I WAS going to ask you about coaching, but now I don't know....you sound too overwhelmed (JK!). You are HUMAN! And that part I like!
I have worked outside the home since my daughter was born (one reason I only had ONE!) and could only find time to train for sprints until recently (she is now 24) as my focus was career and her. The kids don't care about the messy house or the thrown-together meals. They will care about you being there and doing things with them. (I think your desk is pretty neat compared to mine). Type A people like yourself tend to beat up themselves for things they don't need to beat themselves up about. Perfection?
It's a mental illness-so don't even try to achieve it!
Oh-almost forgot. After my 100 mile ride yesterday, I "showered" by the truck in a parking lot at an airport and didn't care WHO saw my underwear (or anything else for that matter!) Gets easier as you get older!
Cheryl! Coaching is one of the few things I always keep in check! :) shoot me an email at Mary@trimoxiecoaching.Com and we'll chat!
Well, if it's any consolation, your "messy" desk is what I might aspire to if I ever tried to clean mine off. Not likely. I just try to keep in mind that everyone has their own strengths. I have friends who cook better, keep better house, do more crafts with their kids, but they aren't very fit or they don't go to the pool with their kids or go camping or they don't let their kids have a dog or whatever. We can't all be everything.
I figure my kids will look back and appreciate the things I did well and forgive me for what I didn't (laundry, crafts) and if I'm being kind to myself I can do the same.
And hey, I knew there was a reason I hardly ever visit FB anymore!
so glad i am not on FB, or all the shit you mentioned would piss me off. even blogs seemingly present only happy and perfect stories and photos. love the playground pic.
http://simplemom.net/imperfection/
nobody's perfect. My imperfections are much worse than what's on this lady's list. I mess up All the time.
Darling, "cheery" is boring. And fake.
Let the underwear show.
After reading this, I had to go to my FB page and look at my posts. I check FB often (b/c it's on my phone), but it's actually rare that I post updates. And looking at what I do post, it looks like the only thing I do is run...
I do get what your saying about people presenting a perfect picture though. I'll see a mom of 5 who looks like a champ, and I'm thinking what the heck is my problem I only have two. Here's the problem with me though, I like to run. I don't like to cook, or clean, or do laundry. Life is too short to spend it doing a bunch of stuff you don't like. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
Well, Mary
Points to consider
1-When your underwear shows, at least "everyone knows" you are wearing some,underwear that is.
2-NOT being on Facebook has never sounded as good as you make it sound.
3-Folding laundry is really fun.
Sorry, there must be something wrong with me. But, I strongly advise you to put a target on the toilet bowl. Cleaning piss is NOT
fun.
4-Put orthodontic appointments on your work(out)schedule. You won't miss them and that will add to your joy and to your pocket book. Oh, the doctor will like it,
too. But probably not Jordan.
5-Mothers need (feel the need)to fix things. It has something to do with disentangling underwear from reality.
I don't know how I missed this post Mary, but I just LOVE IT!!!!!! I have had people tell me how much they think I have it all together and it's hard not to laugh out loud. It's all hanging together by a THREAD, and that's with a disgustingly dirty house, unfolded laundry, and no milk in the house..... Glad to hear that I'm not alone, and that yes, you can be FABULOUS, and a wreck at the same time. :)
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