They are as follows:
Test 1: the bike test. On the trainer. After a half hour warm up, bike 30 minutes at max effort. Then keel over and die. Record average watts, heart rate, and all that shit, if possible, even though technically you are dead.
Test 2: the swim test. Warm up. Then swim 1000 yards as hard as you can. Don't worry if you hurl in the pool. They are friendly and will clean it up just fine.
Test 3: the run test. Warm up 30 minutes and then go 30 minutes all out. Then try to make it home. Then take a hot shower because it's 16 degrees outside and you may freeze your ass off. Record pace, avg. hr, and max hr.
Test 4: Doctor Chokalingam tests
Fast for 12 hours. Don't come to the doctor's office until noon. That's as early as she can take you, and don't complain, you ingrate, just suck it up and don't eat. I really don't care if you feel like you're going to pass out and it's only 10:16 a.m. When you arrive we will give you your favorite test of all--the pap smear. Then we will weigh you on our scale that invariably weighs one 10 lbs heavier than the gym scale. Then we will take your blood pressure and all that other shit, and then we will draw ten vials of blood so we can make sure your cholesterol is just as high as it was the last time. Then we will tell you to go on Lipitor, which you will refuse, because you are not yet 40 and you know damn well that your cholesterol problem is genetic and you have no other risk factors for heart disease.
Then you will get in the car and stuff your face because you are freaking famished.
So far I have completed test numbers 1 and 2. On test number 1 I managed to average 170 watts for the final twenty minutes of the test. No comment on the lameness of that, por favor. It's not that bad for moi.
I didn't barf following the swimming. Fresh from my meet, I'm currently adjusted to that kind of pain. Not an improvement over last season--but not bad either considering I have been swimming very little.
The run. I was supposed to do it today, but there are three things preventing me from doing so:
a. I'm starving and I can't eat until after my physical.
b. After my physical they will have drawn quite a bit of blood. Not sure I should do a max running test after that.
c. Mostly importantly. It really is 16 degrees. I might have to park my ass on the trainer instead.
I will let you know the results of all my testing in a future post.
If I ever get my act together enough to write a holiday letter, this is the picture I'd include in it for 2009.
FYI, I'm so fucking hungry right now I could eat this computer.
20 comments:
Your post had me laughing so hard. I love the picture of the kids! High cholesterol runs in my family too!!! YUCK!
yup, got the high cholestrol as well. but no cancer. so, we're good, right?
i can't imagine fasting. for 12 hours! Dear, God! Take food to the doc with you! like maybe a jar of pb and a loaf of bread? Would not recommend hard running after having blood drawn. Not if you're going to base your zones on the results...
Great picture. I did my swim earlier in the week, and it is the bike test for me tomorrow. Fun times.
Make the MD buy you lunch :)
Hope you got something to eat by now! I agree- the fasting would be the worst part of all that testing.
I have been putting of mu cholesterol test (have never had one) bc of the fasting issue. I don't do well with hunger. Grr, will have to do it one of these days. Love the pics with the kids, they are truly beautiful! Your boy looks so much like you!
Love the picture, so cute.
I hope your day went well. Those bike tests are hard. I used to have to do them every 3 weeks with my old bike coach and i started to have major anxiety. Jen and I have it in my detailed contract that I dont have to do them. Ha, i wish.
Hope you are eating as you read this. Healthy stuff of course.
fasting is absolutely the worst of all of those. Jealous you can do the run test. Bike test is looming for me I'm afraid. I like the swim tests but want a "do over."
:0)
30 minutes running all-out?!?! Ouch!
what is it, all of tri people have high cholesterol. Mine is also genetic and all 4 of my kids have high cholesterol as well ( their ages, 7,6,5 and 3), they are
being followed at Childrens. I don't have any other risk factors and neither do my kids, sucky genes. I have tons of info if you ever need. Love the pics with your kids.
Watts??? You have a powermeter? Since when? Welcome to the land of gekedom!
Nope, don't run after giving away that much blood. Have a drink instead and be a cheap drunk for the evening. :)
The good news is that since you have the CompuTrainer, as long as you don't press the wrong button while keeling over and dying, you should get it all. ;)
Oh Mar... you make me laugh. When will you start getting paid for this? You deserve it.
Good luck with all those tests!!! At this time of year with all of the distractions I think it would completely suck to have to push like that!!
I just did 100M all out this morning and thought I would die; a 1000?! I would have barfed in the pool!
For God's sake, I hope you've eaten by now!
ouch that freaking physical sounds the hardest of all. Sorry for not commenting in a while as my intenet has been a little sketchy. Good luck with all the testing and the coaching gig.
That's a great picture. Good job on the first two tests, good luck with the rest.
YUCK! I get to do those kinds of rides ALOT now. :) you know you love them.
Yuck..I hate time trials. They are HARD! Merry Christmas! Good luck on your run test. Did you know they cancelled the Frost Bite already? I'm so bummed. Guess the police were charging too much.
Yuck..I hate time trials. They are HARD! Merry Christmas! Good luck on your run test. Did you know they cancelled the Frost Bite already? I'm so bummed. Guess the police were charging too much.
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