Wake.
wakethekidswalkthedogsfeedthekidsfeedthedogspackthelunchescleanupbreakfastforgetmy
coffeeinthemicrowavecleanupshitscoldhazelforstealinglara'stoastgeternieoffthetable!thebus
willbehereinoneminutewhereismycoffee?wellwhydidn'tyoueatwhenyouhadthechance?thebusiscoming!
youforgotyourbackpackforchrist'ssakemomdon'tswearthatwasnotswearingyouwantmetoswear?
getthehellouttherebeforeireallystarttoswear!ohmygodmomsaidhell!
etc.
I am having a groundhog day sort of week. I know that movie is a comedy, but I still think it was quite poignant. And I adore Bill Murray. Meatballs. Lost in Translation.
My week has also been punctuated by vivid dreams. In my dreams I'm late for class or I can't find something or I can't open my locker at school and the halls are fast becoming silent. In one dream I couldn't get to Ernie before he was hit by a car.
My dreams might be because I'm racing this weekend. Or they might be simply because I am fucked up. One or the other.
I have a meet on Friday and Saturday at Harvard. It's the Short Course Yards Masters Championship-- a big meet. I am not stressed about the meet, though. Alina is coming down. I'm more focused on that. I will swim a few events. It will be fun. It will mean nothing.
I'm stressed, however, about my 1/2 marathon on Sunday.
I usually get anxious about big big races--like say, IM, or even a 1/2 IM. But this is just a stupid road race. It is just a benchmark.. a stop along the way... a measure. The problem is that I have been running very well lately.
How is that a problem, you ask?
Well... it's problematic in that it makes me wonder, and hope, and maybe even fantasize about what I might be able to do. And the truth is that hope--hope that crosses over into fantasy especially--is dangerous. It can lead to disappointment. And embarrassment; embarrassment that I could imagine more from this 40 year-old-body than it will hand over.
Disappointment and embarrassment can be painful.
And protecting myself from pain is. very. important.
I sound like some scarred woman... burned over and over by her lofty aspirations that didn't pan out. But I'm not a scarred woman. Racing has given me an endless sense of accomplishment. I generally don't let myself down, and I long gave up the notion that anyone really gives a crap how I do other than me. (Which is not to say people aren't supportive... just that my doing well or not rocks no one's world except my own.) So why the fear of psychic pain?
I have my private theories, and I will allow you to draw your own conclusions. But one thing I will say: there is a tension that exists between my groundhog life and the thrill that comes with risking failure. And the reason I am passionate about racing is because if that tension did not exist I'm fairly certain--neither would I.
14 comments:
You've already succeeded by admitting that you have the chance to fail or the chance not to reach your goal. Let that go and see what happens, I think Mary is going to fly on sunday and she doesn't even know it yet. Let it all go Mary, let all the expectations of yourself and what you put on yourself go, be free on sunday, run naked ( not literally) see what happens. Big breath in and then just go. Good luck.
"I generally don't let myself down"--that seems like the line to focus on. I think you'll rock.
I don't know how the tally ended up, but at one point Groundhog Day was leading a Slate poll on "best romantic comedy." I'm embarrassed how much I like that movie, although living a version of the Bill Murray role is never fun. I'd focus on getting the coffee to your mouth--that's the key to it all.
hope. dream. think big. fantasize.
and don't be afraid-
GO FOR IT!
Heading to Cambridge for the Multisport World Expo on Sat and doing a 10-miler around the Esplanade just b-cuz! Sorry you won't be at the Expo but have fun with the Masters and
BEST
WISHES
for an amzing race on Sunday!!
ohmygodmomsaidhell. Beautiful.
yup, that's my morning. every morning. once in a blue moon there are spaces between the words, but rarely.
this post resonates with me, big time.
I feel that same feeling before racing and also that understanding that it is really only my little world that is rocked based on my performances.
You are going to rock this weekend Mary. And I am here for you.
miss ya and can't wait for you guys to get here.
Well for the record I think you are awesome and you could never disappoint. Let it go and see what happens. You are still amazing-
GOOD luck, Mary! You always surprise yourself - and let it go and have fun this weekend and next weekend! Trust your training and go race hard! !!
I completely get that last paragraph! I used to be there, somehow I no longer am though.
I get so nervous before races and during the first 5 miles of the race, when I can usually tell how the race will go. Hrr!!!
Mary, you are going to rock this race. Whatever happens though, you are still an amazing runner (among others).
Good luck!
yeah i definitely am with you on the stress, the potential for disappointment and embarrassment. i already experienced that once so far this season, i dont want it to happen again. good luck mary, i know you will pull off a great race.
Someone once told me that there are two basic motivators: fear and greed. I am typically more motivated by fear than greed (I would like it to be the other way around, but that's simply not the case), and I'm not sure there's away around it. Fear can be good in that it does motivate you to train and perform, but worrying about failure is no fun. I've come to accept that there are times that I'll be fearful, but learned not to let it overwhelm me, and realize that fear is a temporary state (kind of like the feeling of running up a long hill). Rely on your training, and go kill your events.
You may not exsist with out the tension, but what does that tension do your family. Just something to think about!!
But I know you will rock
Good luck in your swim meet. You are a great swimmer and a great runner. You'll do great at the half as well. No worries.
A swim meet and 1/2 maraton in the same weekend? I'm sorry Mary but you just rock. Good luck at both. Looking forward to hearing about them.
You're gonna have a thrilling 1/2! I'm looking forward to seeing how the races goes :>
don't think about it so much and just run fast.....and if you start to slow down, only then, ask yourself why?
i'll be waiting for the rr.
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