Our whole lives we are told that doing more, doing extra, working harder, will produce the results we want. It doesn't matter the venue. If you want to excel academically, if you want to become a master of chess, if you want to become a chef, if you want to be a writer, if you want to dance for the NYC Ballet--you must work unwaveringly hard. Nothing comes without hard work.
Here's the problem. I think that as I have gotten older I have developed an anxious response when I'm not working really hard. I have achieved a few things in my life now--advanced degrees and accolades at work and a few good race times for a girl who genetically belongs in the middle of the pack--but none of these things came easy to me.
I remember studying for my GREs, for example, when I was applying to do doctoral work in English many years ago. I study relentlessly. I killed myself studying, taking practice test after practice for months and months. Then I took the test and I did really well. This showed me not that I was a smarty pants, but that if I worked like a dog I could do very well. I studied like a crazy woman because I was so anxious that I couldn't do it--that I couldn't score high enough to grant me entry into elite schools. Studying seemed to be the only thing that quelled the anxiety. When I did do well and did receive entry to do doctoral work, the anxiety continued, because if I didn't work my ass off, it would be revealed that I was actually very average under my high-scoring GRE veneer.
So I'm anxious when I'm not working hard. Working hard quells the anxiety. It quells the fear that I will be discovered as not really good--just a person of average intelligence and athleticism who works her ass off. Do you see the problem here? You can't work insanely hard all of the time at everything you do, especially when you are a hard core triathlete, a mom of three little kids, and you work full time. You just can't. Or you will--what? I don't know. Lose your mind? Jump off a bridge? Never get out of bed because you just can't get up and do it again?
All of this would be solved, I think, if I could just convince myself that it doesn't matter one iota what the rest of the world believes about me--about my ability to parent, to teach, or to be an athlete. Truthfully, the world doesn't give a fart about me, anyway, right? It is too busy trying to manage its own host of issues to concern itself with whether I am fraudulent or not. I need to let go of the anxiety that if I am not training all the time, really hard, I will still be a good athlete. I need to remember that quelling the training anxiety beast will just make me feel worse when I try to slay the bad mommy beast. I need to embrace that rest is good, and that if I do rest, I will still be okay. I need to allow myself to lead most of my life in zone 1, and save the high zone training for special times.
15 comments:
Yes, let go of the anxiety.
You are a great Mother.
You are a great wife.
You are very intelligent and
you are an amazing athlete.
And, you are a wonderful friend.
You have put your trust in others who are more experienced in this field. I feel your stress girlfriend. I am one who also needs to push push push. Hang tight. You're going to rock. I know it. Sub 5 here you come.
It seems like you have an inner voice telling you "the harder I work, the dumber I am." Meanwhile, the harder you work, the more you succeed. There is irony there Miss Iron Matron ;)
Mary, I would give you any job you applied for, even if I knew you were just kind of... average. It's better to have a normal person who works their booty off, than a genius who doesn't give a shit.
People DO care what you do, but I don't think they're as critical as you believe:
I would rather have a so-so teacher who cares about my learning than a fabulous teacher who doesn't know my name and would give me a blank look in the supermarket.
I would rather have a mom who's trying really hard and messes up sometimes than a mom who hired all the right people to rear me.
Your athletic talents strike fear into my heart. I'm glad you're not in my age group.
It's the caring about other people that means you're doing such a good job. Relax! I'm pretty sure the people who are silently judging you are thinking great things about you!
I have to agree with Liz. It sounds like you are either running from something (no pun intended) or you are trying to prove something to someone (and I don't mean yourself). You do work your ass off, you kick ass in your races, and you take care of your family. I would listen to your hubby. Us men can't read your mind, but we do know when you are allowing the unimportant stuff to bother you. And you know that typically keeps you out of the bedroom :).
This is an awesome post--love it. I'm going to work on living in "Zone 1" more, too.
Slow down - see the trees from the forest. Once you do that, you'll notice there are also birds and bees.
And guess what - you'll still be running. :) Enjoy life and don't worry about what everyone else thinks.
Great Post Mary! Just remeber working in Z4 all the time leads to burn out...a comfortable Z2 can be maintained throughout..
Honestly, you are an inspiration and the thoughts you generate on your blog are heartfelt. I do get it, but it is the letting go that is so difficult.
Mary Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?....
We are but two peas of the same pod. I too beat myself up, try too hard, must be no. 1, must prove to....who? I don't know - everyone...
Insecurity.
You rock, and I hope you realize that one day. My piddly running makes me feel like such a poser when I read all that you do and train for and prepare for.
Please slow down before you burn it out. You only have to be good enough for yourself, after all...
Hmmm. Advanced degree and triathlete. Sounds like a standard "Type A" personality. I know because I too suffer from the affliction. If a BS degree is good, an MS is better. But why stop there? I got the PhD. Same with tris. Sprints were fun but I wanted more and ended up an Ironman. Being driven to work hard isn't a bad thing; just remember to take a "recovery" week every now and again :)
Hi Mary, have a glass of wine, relax, soon you will feel no anxiety. :)
I enjoyed this post. I am a perfectionist when it comes to certain things, and am very good at "beating myself up" when I don't do as well as I think I should. Like you, I think working harder is always the answer.
Everyone has given some good advice in the comments :)
Mary, it's a good thing you were never a drug addict.
Wisdom. That's what this post sounds like. Nicely put. Now, just to live it! (Coming from someone who knows just how tough that is.)
i think that many of us are hard on ourselves like you are..and that we beat ourselves up and work ourselves into a tizzy to try to prove to.....whom??? ourselves that we belong..that we rate..that we should be noticed.
you are good at alot of things...school..kids, family, training..etc...
i laughed upon reading melissa and judi's comments...too funny..but right on...
there is no perfectperson...
celebrate mary
I hear ya! It's all of us "type A" athletes!
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