Occasionally someone rises from evening meal,
Goes outside, and goes and goes, and goes....
Because somewhere in the East a sanctuary stands.
And his children lament as though he had died.
And another, who dies within his house,
Remains there, remains amid dishes and glasses,
So that his children must enter the world
In search of that sanctuary, which he forgot.
- Rilke
I had somewhat of a breakthrough ride last week. It wasn't a physical breakthrough, but a mental one. If you remember a few weeks back I was lamenting the fact that I get to mile 75 in a ride and I just want to stop. I'm sick of it, I'm cold, I'm hot, I'm hungry, my ass hurts, I'm lonely etc. and so on.
I needed a ride on which I didn't notice I was at mile 75. I needed to feel in a good mood with 30 miles to go. I needed to enjoy even the unenjoyables of biking, and I was beginning to doubt I ever would.
So last week I decided that this week my long ride would be different. I'd ride 110 miles, and my second half would be faster than my first. I would be happy at mile 75 and looking forward to working it for the next 35. I would not sulk. I would relish the fact that I can ride all day on a Thursday, alone, on my awesome bike and on the beautiful hills of the land far west of the city.
And I did it.
I created a route that was 50% new. That was the first ticket. I rode through old mill towns I had never heard of before, I got super close to the border of Rhode Island, I brought a few new types of snacks, and I tested out new pee stops. For those of you in this area who are looking for good rides, this is what I did:
Mary's cool Route west of the City
I did hit bad patches of road, and the blackflies did nearly eat me alive when I stopped to eat or pee, but mostly I was -- happy. The longer I went still feeling in a good mood, the happier I got. I DO like this! I DO like seeing new things from astride Mrs. Z! I DO think it's cool that while the rest of the world is sitting, I am moving moving moving.
One thing I thought was interesting was that I saw NOT ONE other biker the whole day. When I mentioned this to Andy he pointed out that very few people were privileged enough to spend a workday riding their spiffy TT bike through old mill towns.
Oh.
Right.
What really sucks is working hard to get through an aspect of something that has been a struggle for you, and then getting reminded that you are the only one who is privileged enough to even take on that struggle. You think that's a struggle, Mary? You are luckier than 99.9% of the world and you want to view it as an achievement that you enjoyed yourself on your ride? Excuse my while I go vomit.
I felt bad for a moment. And then I turned off the guilt-meter and turned on the anger jets. Full steam ahead! Poor Andy.
He wasn't wrong, --he really wasn't wrong at all, and he hadn't said this in a mean-spirited way. It was just a simple truth. Who CAN ride all day on Thursday? And of those who can, who wants to? Not many. But I had already been set on fire. Watch out! (sorry, Andy! xoxoxo)
And I haven't been able to stop thinking about it--and my guilt/anger. Because here's the thing:
I am lucky and I am privileged. And I know it.
But I have taken that luck and privilege, and I've tried to make something of it, because even when one is lucky and privileged (maybe even especially when one is) she still risks staying home with the dishes and glasses if she doesn't fight. She risks forgetting to seek the sanctuary, perhaps even believing that the sanctuary has been handed to her, so why should she search for it anyway?
But the sanctuary of luck and privilege is a false sanctuary, and I know that, and I'm looking for my own real one. This is my way of searching for it--of leaving to find it. Pardon me for leaving to find it. Pardon me for seeking the life I want to live. Pardon me for squirming until I found a way to seek it. It was triathlon or taking off for a different sanctuary,and in that light, triathlon doesn't look so bad.
I don't want my children limited by my sad example. I want them to witness what it looks like not to forget to seek. Forget you if you think my way of seeking is shallow, or privileged, or selfish, or not worthy of respect. I woke up to the nothingness which haunts all of us, and I had to do something. I'm sorry if you haven't.
The greatest mystery is not that we have been flung at random between the profusion of the earth and the galaxy of the stars, but that in this prison we can fashion images of ourselves sufficiently powerful to deny our nothingness. -Andre Malraux
25 comments:
I learned a VERY long time ago that it is best to never apologize for the choices I made to make myself happy. I never do to this day. It is not luck, Mary, it is making the RIGHT choices for you and your family that warrants a bike ride on Thursday versus Saturday. That is it....
I get shit like that (no offense Andy) all the time...what they do not see if my working 10 hours on a Sunday while THEY are out riding...ya know?
we all make choices. We all make OUR lives...and this is your life...LIVE every minute of it alive like you are!
superb! You are ready
Way to conquer that ride. I work from home so have the privilege of doing my rides as you do, during the weekdays. I guess it is one reason I like to do at least one race for charity....on some 'not-enough' level, it makes me feel like I'm giving a little back.
Glad you had a good long ride! It's hard and you found what works.
It is okay to remember you are lucky and still work hard. Doesn't diminish your hard work or your amazing achievements.
I think this is the first post of yours that I've honestly not understood at ALL. What are you pissed about???????
@Michelle.
The challenges I face and the struggles I take on are made not only insignificant, but selfish and spoiled in light of my privilege. I'm lashing out at that.
Dear Mary,
I have been following your blog for a few months, and really really enjoying it. You are an impressive athlete, a really captivating writer, and amusing commentator on triathlon's and life's various indignities and an overall remarkably insightful person.
I am nowhere as gifted an athlete as you are, but I have been doing tris for a couple of years and loving it. Before that I did adventure races and mountain climbing.
And I have struggled with the very dilemma that you highlight in this last post: we are privileged, and yet we do struggle, and work ourselves to the bone, and cry over our failures, and pick ourselves up and then try again. And all of that is worthy and admirable.
And yet, we are also too often oblivious to the privilege that makes our striving possible, and even, let's be honest, to the inherent self-centeredness of our endeavors. There is no point in denying that improving our own athletic performance is not really something that in itself makes the world a better place, though it might have very positive consequences. Through our struggles we learn to be stubborn in the face of obstacles and pain, and we model determination and daring for our families, friends and neighbors. That is not nothing. And in encouraging other triathletes, as you do in your blog, we extend the positive learning beyond our immediate circle, we share the grace we earn through our privilege and that is not nothing either.
So, you don't need to apologize for what you do, but there is still part of me that does think that with this privilege comes a responsibility to make what is unavoidably a self-centered pursuit (athletic training), into an opportunity for generosity, kindness and community building beyond the limited circle of our loved ones.
So, go, ride your bike. Know that your musings about riding 110 miles inspired me, amused me, and gave me the motivation to extend my ride this coming Thursday. And that is more than enough to ride on any Thursday, all day, even if no one else can.
Oh Mary, I see so many women who decide to work as stay at home moms and all of a sudden their life is their family only, "I can only run at 4am bc I need to be home when my husband wakes up", God forbid he'd have to care of the kids for a little bit. This is so annoying to me bc I see these women unhappy and losing their sense of self, and not even seeing that maybe there are alternatives. And paradoxically (or maybe not) these are the rocky marriages. Because, honestly, I don't think there is anything attractive about someone who is "selfless" and unidimensional and resigned. This is also annoying bc I am always the odd one, because the dynamics are so different in my family. So yes, you are lucky that you can ride 100 miles on a Thursday, and maybe that is selfish, but selfish is good and healthy! That ride and your triathlon passion make you really live life, and have dreams, and confront fears, and...strive to be happy!
It often annoys me that Chris does not really get why I spend time training and reading blogs. But for the most part I am fine that he does not get it fully. I know he admires my dedication and that's all I can ask. I am sure Andy admires yours, too!
I want to cut and paste your comment, Simona, and make it my post. Perfectly, beautifully stated. Thank you.
I have.
I'll be riding on Thursday too, just FYI. And I won't apologize for it. :)
Aaaaaaah - ok, gotcha. Apparently I didn't have my 2nd cup of coffee and was still deep in caffeine-deprivation stupidity. :)
Girl, you have to stop caring what other people think!!!!! Sure, you are lucky that you can ride on a Thursday afternoon. I'll admit that I'm jealous! But who the f&*k cares about the haters out there!!! Seriously, ALL of us here are lucky. If we have time to read a blog (on our computers, via an internet connection, etc.) - face it, we aren't starving to death, we aren't living in squalor, we are generally safe from harm and living a damn good life by any true global standard. So we can all play that guilt game.
So smack your hubby upside the head and tell him to stop being a jackass. :)
And SWEET on the "happy" long ride! Way to conquer it!!!!!!!
great post mary. here i am writing about tofu and you are taking on the things no one ever says. love it! its so easy to look in on someone else's life and pass judgement. we shouldnt apologize for the things that we have, but instead do the best we can with them and share them when we can so they are not wasted.
thanks for posting this Mary! I was planning on heading out to Hopkington for some open water swimming at a race site on Sunday, and this answers my question of how to get there if I just hook up with your route in Dover. Or do you have any idea what it is like to ride the marathon course in reverse?
Eric Liddell, in Chariots of Fire, says "I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure."
This is what I believe. God may have made you to be a mom, a wife, etc - but he also made you an athlete. And when you feel pleasure from being an athlete and all that it involves in strength and personal growth etc, it is not an act of selfishness but of purpose. In fact, denying this part of you would be denying what has been created in the fabric of your being!
come on pitbull...be who you are! :)
p.s. i can't believe you went 110 alone!! (and didn't see anyone) i get lonely at 40mi. you are a brave brave woman.
You are right - we ARE lucky mary! :0)
Okay, so I agree that you're lucky to have the opportunity to train the way you do. Chances are most people reading this blog are fairly lucky too.
I also completely agree that you're making something of your luck or finding your sanctuary or whatever. So many people waste their lives losing who they are because they have no drive to go there and do something.
Running is my sanctuary. It drives me to be better than I am. It helps me preserve something of myself that I would otherwise lose if I only worked or only raised a family. I believe that it makes me a better mom, wife, engineer.
So great job loving your ride and taking advantage of Thursday!
Being privileged is merely a state, deserving of neither respect nor derision. Squandering that privilege is an affront which is all too common.
Having the ability and desire to better one's self is only looked down upon by people who ask "why?" but have no desire to find the answer. We push ourselves for different reasons and in different ways but with the same goal, to better ourselves. Not just to make ourselves better, but to be better for others. Happiness is contagious so keep on doing whatever makes you happy.
I'm an athlete, a mom of 2, and a full-time government lawyer. I can only do weekday bike rides longer than a couple of hours if I take a day of work, which I do sometimes. So, yes, I totally get what your husband was saying, and I admit that I do feel jealous at times of my friends who don't work and spend a lot of time training while the kids are in school. But you do NOT have to justify your choices to me or anyone else! I made my choices; you made yours. (And your friend Ange, who has a similar blog post, made hers.) Whenever I feel jealous, I think about the fulfillment I get from my job and ask myself if I'd really be happier living my friend's life. As long as the answer stays "no," I'm going to swallow my envy.
One thing that bears mentioning, though, is how those of us who spend so much time in the selfish pursuit of fulfillment through exercise can give back. (No, you cannot convince me that this is not essentially a selfish pursuit. We can gloss it as modeling great habits for our kids, or blog readers, or whatever, but that's not why we do it.) I come from the ultrarunning community, and in that world there's a much stronger culture of volunteerism than there seems to be in the tri world. In ultrarunning, you give back to the sport by literally giving your time to supporting others in their accomplishment of it. I volunteer for several races, and I am the race director for an established event. It takes lots of my time, and not an insignificant amount of money. Other volunteering options are out there. One of my friends works a lot with getting underprivileged high school kids running.
Just something to think about. I love your blog, both to read about your training but - even more - to read thoughtful posts like this one. (I am still scratching my head a little, though, over your challenge that if I've read a book you probably have to. Can we talk about The Savage Detectives sometime? I need help figuring that one out! :) )
Oh no! I haven't read The Savage Detectives! Damn. Should I read it? Is it a good one? I haven't read everything. I've read a lot though. That's all I was saying--just that usually I can talk books with people. And that I love to talk books with people. I a former librarian.
Also a former teacher--and I worked for 15 years before calling it quits last spring. So I do get the piece about feeling that envy--I get it very, very much--and I feel a shitload of guilt about it, because I know how sweet it is to get in the training when my kids are at school... But yes-. Anger and guilt are so connected, I think. They are sisters.
Guilt = anger turned inward:)
I've been at home with my children for 17 years. I felt lucky and privileged. I wanted to be liked by everyone for making this great sacrifice. I was convinced that my family was happiest through my self negligence. In 2004 I was empty and depressed. I realized that this couldn't be good for anyone. I started to give a rat's ass about myself. No longer a martyr, I began filling my cup and not giving a fuck what anyone thought. Martial arts, a morning run to the sounds of my own breath, an evening of yoga..my spirit was lifting. I like what you said, "But the sanctuary of luck and privilege is a false sanctuary. Pardon me for seeking the life I want to live." I started living for me and in return had more to give. I just took the RRCA Coaching Seminar and hope to pass the exam so I can help other women like me to seek out a part of themselves away from the dishes and not give a fuck what anyone may think. Mary, your blog rocks! - Michele G.
Hey Mary,
Roberto Bolano. I don't know that I'd recommend The Savage Detectives to anyone. It's really amazing and unique in some ways, but really a chore to read in others. David Foster Wallace, OTOH, is my all-time favorite, and if you haven't read him yet I think you would LOVE his work.
Now back to your regularly scheduled triathlon training. :)
I have LOVED These comments. Thank you. All of you. They've complicated my thinking--which is the highest compliment I can think of.
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