Take It

I'm sure this will go down in history as one of my SHE IS A SELFISH MOTHER posts.

Oh well.

I think we learned from our mothers. Our mother did it all. At least my mom did. By watching her I learned that it was the mother's job to cook, clean, do laundry, be waiting at the bus stop, drive the kids to lessons.

What I didn't see is the background details that made up the responsibility of being Mom. If you are a mother you know what I am talking about... you know when the last time your kids visited the dentist was, you know when you need to write the check for piano lessons, you know where the soccer shirt is, and you are the one who made sure it was cleaned in time for the game, you know how many times your kids have bought lunch this week, and you know how much money is still left in their lunch money account with the school, you planned the bday party, you know who has RSVP'd and who hasn't, you know whether you have enough plastic spoons for the week to put in your kids' lunch boxes when they have yogurt for snack, you know when the dogs need their heartworm tablets and you know if you son needs new underwear because his are all clearly too small now, even though you just bought him 15 pair last spring. You know the size of your kids' feet, and you know how much kibble your puppies need to eat each day because you know to keep abreast of how their weight changes from week to week. You know where you daughter's favorite navy shirt is, and that it is in the washing machine so NO she can't wear it today. You know to the minute the time the bus comes, and that if you don't make your children put on their shoes and socks fifteen minutes before that time, you won't be able to find shoes, and they will miss the bus.

That is, of course, just a partial list of things the mom knows, and it is specific to having children who are 9,7 and 5.  if you are a mom who also works outside of the home, or if you are a mom of an infant or toddler, the list is exponentially longer.

The thing to know is that these things are the mom's responsibility for the most part simply because she is the one who knows to do them. She has to know to do them. No one else will do them for her, and if she doesn't do them it is her kids--the thing that means more to her than anything in the world--that suffer.

I realize this is a generalization to a say that it is only moms who know these things, and this isn't a post meant to attack or accuse dads. Dads have a running list of things they know that mom doesn't... and if a dad is a single dad, he has both the mom and the dad list in his head.  No, I don't mean to attack.

What I mean to do is to say this: a mother's responsibility extends to herself.

You have to take what you need.

You are not going to be given what you need. No one is going to recognize that you need a run today, and they will not accommodate your need to run--unless you make them. Unless you push. Unless you say, This is what I need to do today. How can we make this work? And if there is no one to help you make it work, how are you going to get what you need anyway? How are you going to re-structure your life so that you can take what you need? Because if you don't find a way to take it--you won't get it. It's not fair, but that is the way it is.

I didn't know this when I first became a mom. It took me years to let go of the bitterness that no one gave a crap that I could no longer do what I wanted to do when I wanted or needed to do--ever. I had to become pushy. I had to become a person who took and did not always give. I had to choose to be "selfish", or there would be no self left to be selfish with.

In short, it does not pay to be a martyr. It does not pay to be the one who does it all. No one is going to give you a medal for all that you've done--all that you've remembered--all the YOU that you sacrificed along the way. I'm not saying not to do all that you do. You have to do all that you do. I know that, and you know that. But it is your responsibility to also take what you need.

I know what I am saying seems impossible to do.
Except it's not.
There is always a way around the edge to squeeze in what you need, but it requires your un-yielding "selfishness" to pull it off. It is your responsibility as a mom to find ways to be selfish.

You go. You take it. I give you permission.