I don't agree with T.S. Eliot that April is the cruelest month. November is the cruelest by far. It's dark, it's rainy, everything is dying in this beautiful kind of way, and every day you feel more and more bound to the indoors. You want to cuddle up and hibernate. I always feel this dark emotional ache in November.
Anyway. I am just MRSINAFUNK. It is so unattractive. I miss my summer self--tanned, beach-bound and insouciant. Okay, whatever, I am rarely insouciant. Let me dream, here.
I'm done with thinking about this blood chemistry shit. I feel fine. I don't feel tired. Sure, I need to rest for the next month, but that doesn't mean that I have to sit on my ass. I'm going to continue to swim and do Masters. I will continue to do a few easy runs and rides. And after I blink a few times it will be Thanksgiving, and then it will be after Thanksgiving. And then I will have my blood drawn again and discover that I AM FINE.
That's the deal, and I will hear none other.
My esteem appears to be in the shitter right now, which I don't quite understand. Is my ego really so fragile that it can only take one little hit before it retreats-- tail between its legs--like how could you EVER have thought you were so tough and cool?
I feel like transforming myself like Salander did at the end of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. I want money, and tons of it, a blond wig, new tits and to go south to the sun, where I can read all day and get myself a teenage lover who totally worships me. Larsson really knew how to create the perfect fantasy, huh? Either that or I want to wake up Blomkvist, fully realized and strong and good, with women swooning over me even though I am clearly just your everyday strong, cool, smart guy. Or maybe best of all would be to be Erika. She can have her husband AND her lover and everyone is just peachy about the whole thing. Maybe I just need to stay me and move to Sweden?
Sorry, I realize that whole paragraph was lost on those who have not read that trilogy.
In short, I want to feel vivacious, dramatic, wanted, and ALIVE! What a drag to be on the computer, staring out at the rain, knowing that if I whale on my body at all it may crumble in its infection-vulnerable weakling state.
What a drag it is getting old....
The pursuit of happiness just seems a bore....
My little yellow pills come in the form of sweat and exertion...
I need some help getting through my busy dying day!
At least I feel better today than yesterday's Landslide. When I start quoting Stevie Nicks you know things are really bad in Mary-ville.
12 comments:
Probably time for a girls night out and lots of alcohol!
I am so with you on November. No leaves, no snow--right now just nasty, gray rain. As I told my daughter yesterday, at least it only has 30 days and not 31. Hang in there.
Dude. I feel you. [hugs]
i dont know why i am digging november so far.... but i do know that i hated the girl with the dragon tattoo - liked salander's character but that was about it.
anyway. back to november. i think bc i get to go to arizona for a week and enjoy the warmth, i know im gonna be okay.
plop yourself under a heat lamp ;) or at least get on the trainer and pump up the heat and pretend you are training for Coz or Kona!
Wine.
rest is good!
to answer your question: you would hate sweden at this time of year because it's so dark all the time. and you wouldn't want to be erika because she is so trapped in her life she can't ever take a day off work - she's be doing the same thing for 20 years.... same with blomkvist. boring.
i'd go with salander cause then you can change/adapt to whatever life throws at you, however you may need to take up smoking and get a couple tattoos.
Okay -- last quote. I really will rely on my own brain from here on out - but this one just fits you RIGHT NOW!
“It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more 'man[or woman]hood' to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind." - Alex Karras
I also think this time of the year is hard, hard, hard. I hate that it is dark so soon, wet, cold, YUCK!!
I try to remind myself that if we didn''t have this dark, cold time in our year we wouldn't really appreciate the beautiful days of June and September. Who wants to live in San Diego where it is 75 and sunny 365 days of the year???
I think Salander has some serious issues to deal with. Blomkqist just gets around a bit too much and Erika has entirely too much stress in her life.
Although I wouldn't mind the blond wig, beach, reading all day with teenage lover side of things :)
Most doctors do not understand blood profile of endurance athletes.
I have been tested for 30 years with athletic performance in mind.
My WBC has always been off the low end of normal. As has my RBC and hematocrit been in low end.
The USOC doctors told me years ago not to worry about it as it was typical of high end endurance athletes.
Read this article abstract. Notice the part that says low WBC is not pathological.
I am not diagnosing your issue, just giving you some of my experiences.
BTW, alcohol is poison. People have a romantic attachment to it, but, it really is still poison.
and the mood swing it created always annoyed me.
When I was training completely as a competitor I would not drink.
good luck.
http://resources.metapress.com/pdf-preview.axd?code=an21841vhqg5742x&size=largest
Mike, THANK YOU.
I have been searching and reading, and talking to people in endurance sport, and I have discovered that YES, a lower WBC is normal in endurance athletes. My plan is still to mostly rest for the next month so I can start IMLP training with a store of rest within/behind me, but I am doing so now less because I fear my lower than the norm WBC and more because I think it's what will be best for my race next summer.
I love that fact that you dig up the perfect articles! Thank you again!
I hate butting in, or pontificating, unless I think it will do some good for someone.
It seemed you were in a state of worry. I was not aware you did the research. I just wanted to help.
I always do the research, but I don't always find the perfect article. :) You always seem to! I appreciate it!
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