I've always worked very, very hard, and the harder I worked, the luckier I got. --Alan Bond
I haven't always worked hard. I discovered it later than many people, actually. When I was younger I very much believed things were pre-determined. You were athletic, or you weren't, you were a straight A student, or you weren't, you were blessed with a great body, or you weren't, you were liked by people, or you weren't.
None of those things had to do with hard work in my mind. They were genetically bestowed or denied gifts, and there was little, if anything, one could do about that. I think I began to change this view sometime in college, though I'm not exactly sure what inspired this change in thinking. I began to work hard at a few things--or at least harder than I had before--and amazingly, I began to do better at them. Imagine that!
By the time I hit my late twenties, I was a full convert. I began to believe that everything was based on hard work, that luck -- chance-- serendipity were made not given. I became aggressive about my goals, and the more aggressive and hard working I became, the more I was rewarded with results I never dreamed would be mine. I could run fast. I could nail the GRES and get a 4.0 and be accepted to do doctoral work. I could be a master gardener before I hit 30. I could dance with the best of them when Jitterbugging... (really, I used to be very into Lindy Hop.. and I was good!)
Anyway. What is my point?
I've written about this before. It is something that kinda plagues me these days. My problem is that I can no longer leave things to chance. I have trained myself to play my hand up front--to lay myself bare with hard work and intention. I scoff when I'm told to be patient or to wait and see. Patience is for those people who haven't learned that it is ALL up to you. You just do it--you work hard at it--or you won't get what you want. It's that simple.
I had my blood drawn again on Tuesday. My doctor called me that night to tell me that my white blood cell count was slightly better, but still very low. I'm susceptible to infection right now, and I can't allow myself to get run down. At all.
Panic set in and so I asked, Okay, what is the next step? What do we do now?
And she said, We wait. We test again in four weeks. Your body needs more rest and more time. Give your body a chance, Mary.
And I keep thinking, Did I do this? Was it my hard work that caused my bone marrow to stop working effectively?
Did my hard work betray me?
It's hard to keep the faith when you don't have any faith to start with--except the faith in your own hard work to make it right.
I climbed this mountain-- and now I'm being forced to turn around. Funny how that works.
I climbed this mountain-- and now I'm being forced to turn around. Funny how that works.
9 comments:
I am sorry to hear you are not well. Of course I hope you will recover with no lasting effects and no infections.
It is so coincidental what you are writing about in terms of hard work. I've been reading a book called "Outliers" by Malcolm Gladwell (I am going to go ahead an guess that you either know this book or have read it yourself; being well read yourself). Essentially, the premise of the book is that not all success comes from just hard work, that there is some form of luck or intervention that paves the way for that hard work to yield results. I won't go into any more than that, but if you haven't read it, it might be an interesting read for you.
Of course, this has nothing to do with your question of whether your hard work has landed you in your current health predicament. I am keeping my fingers crossed that a little R&R is all that you need to be back in fighting shape.
That just sucks. I am in a similar boat right now and I am pissed and antsy. The good news is that bodies do heal and the season is far away.
I've always believed in hard work, and only recently have come to accept how important luck and chance are;) I am still working on that "be comfortable with uncertainty" thing...it's hard!
Sorry about the blood test. I know resting is hard, but I think in the long run it will do you good (both physically and mentally). I think that once your body gets its rest, you are going to be able to train even harder than last year, and your body will be able to handle that training better than before. I think for most of us the body needs time, years, to adjust to more and more training. I remember feeling exhausted after my first half marathon years ago...now, years later, I can run a marathon and I don't even need to take a nap. Your body will adjust, and you'll be able to work it harder, you just have to figure out how to give it the time it needs to heal right now!!!
Negative life and health events out of our immediate, individual control are difficult to deal with whether or not one subscribes to a "work hard - get desired results" philosophy. Please know that our family and others close to you are praying for you.
You will be ok. I know it. hang in there.
Not to cast doubts on your doctor's opinion but maybe rest does not have to mean inactivity. I am not an expert but I know that if I were in your place I would be looking around and asking opinions. For years the main stream thinking about any recovery was total rest and then docs learned that say for after heart attacks, activity is the best thing, same goes for many other problems.
I find it hard to believe that your hard work on being fit could be responsible for what is happening. What about your diet? Has your doc look into that? Gosh, there are so many variables that can affect our health.
In any case, hang in there.
Hugs.
Sending support from MN. Maybe it makes it a tad easier to know you arent alone taking it easy:)
Yup, that's me in the corner over there:) taking it easy.
I'm thinking about you. I'm not super religious but I liked what Mother Theresa said about faith,
“I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.”
It's a tad cliched but you are a strong woman and there is a reason for this -- even if it is only to tell you to give your body a bit more rest.
Take a rest you'll be coming back soon. Thanks for the post.
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