So... I had a great run yesterday afternoon. I savored it even more having been denied it by my own forgetfulness the day before. I took AtlantaMom's suggestion and put an old, smelly pair of running shoes in the back of the mini-van for future emergencies. Good advice! Thanks!
On my mind: As I mentioned in a previous post, I have trouble with conflict. I refer to my anti-conflict self as Pastel Girl. Pastel Girl is really a wimp--especially when she has to deal with conflict at work. Her modus operandi is to pretend conflict and discomfort and tension do not exist, and to move forward as such. In her mind, there are consequences to addressing conflict--consequences which she is usually unwilling to take on, such as disrupting the peace and incurring wrath.
The thing is, though, when Pastel Girl has finally had enough and totally snaps, she is not at all graceful. She moves out of her easy, flexible and self-deprecating shell and morphs into a strident, cutting bitch. It's ugly. And it happened today. She came out. I'm not going to go into the what and the how and the why.
Suffice it to say I was challenged by a particularly righteous and judgmental colleague, a person whom I genuinely like most of the time, but whom acts like she is everyone's superior. It's grating. So, during a long, difficult meeting at which I hadn't say "boo" I suddenly attacked. I became mary don't fuck with me don't insult me or i will coldly and articulately cut you down until you cry.
After the meeting many people visited me privately and said such things as: "I didn't know you had it in you." "Remind me not to fuck with you." and finally, my favorite: "She had it coming." So now the dynamics on my team are in shambles. I really need to synchronize my two selves. I'm a lamb with a tiger inside. A T-Rex disguised as a mouse. I'm really nice except when I'm a total bitch.
I need to be like--I don't know--maybe a gazelle? A lemur? One animal. Not two. According to the Golden Compass Daemon finder my alter-ego/soul-- my daemon--is a tiger named Inachus. If I'm to be a tiger--these are the tigers I'd like to be--not the above. I need to work on this. I have a distance to travel. Thanks for reading.
7 comments:
There must be something in the air. I blew at work today too!! Yikes!!
Love the link. I looked up mine and I am an Opsprey, yet I feel at times I am the mama kodiak bear when I lose my mind. It's not too pretty, but thankfully not too often. I think my bear has come out twice at work with the same comments by people not on the receiving end of my attack. Sometimes people just need a wake up call, but yet I am fully aware of the guilt felt afterwards. Hang tough.
Shoot me an email. My voice would not be a good one on a family blog. LOL
I have some ideas.
If you have a nano, I would not get an underwater MP3 player. I would get one of thess: http://h2oaudio.com/swimseries.php
I have one for my nano and I love it.
I have a new plan.
don't mess with mary.
didn't it feel good to get it out, even though you are kicking yourself somewhat for it..
good luck
Maybe Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon?
I guess "Mary Mary quite contrary" has been done before? haha I kill me.
You sound so like me personality-wise. I am very easy going at work, a pleaser, and can easily summon up a smile even when I'm dying inside. I hate conflict. Conflict makes me sick.
But sometimes something comes over me and I lose it. It doesn't happen often, but when it does I'm a different person and I shock everyone who is around to see it. I try very hard to keep that me pushed back, far back. I'm always sorry when she comes out, and it always seems to take forever for everyone else to get over the outburst.
My fear is that I'll lose it with my boss sometime soon. That would be bad.
Love and strength to you, tigress Mary, from a stranger way down south.
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